Narcissistic Triangulation: Breaking Free

Narcissistic triangulation can seem like a debilitating, inescapable force. Nothing makes you feel smaller than having the person you adore parade someone else around just to hurt you.

In this article, you will gain a blueprint for breaking free, whether in a romantic relationship, the workplace, the narcissistic family or beyond.

What Is Narcissistic Triangulation?

Narcissistic triangulation is the introduction of a third person into a relationship dynamic between two people with the aim of negatively impacting the other.

Triangulation by a narcissist takes one of two forms, with the following examples:

1. Physical: The narcissist leaves you behind and flirts with another person, spends increasingly more time with someone ‘special’ while neglecting you, or gangs up on you or takes sides with another person.
2. Verbal: The narcissist talks someone else up or compares you to them unfavourably. In a narcissistic family, a parent will do this between you and your siblings. In a romantic relationship, this is usually done with an ex or a potential successor. In the workplace, your narcissistic boss will favour and talk up your colleague to get you to perform.

Narcissistic triangulation can make you feel the following:

• Inferior.
• Jealous.
• Threatened.
• Unimportant.
• That the narcissist is a valuable commodity who you must fight to keep or please.

Why Do Narcissists Triangulate?

Some reasons a narcissist might triangulate are:

1. It Makes Them Feel Wanted And In Demand

Having multiple people show interest makes a person feel like a valuable commodity. Telling the people about each other then creates competition and increases insecurity, making the ‘competitors’ feel inferior and unworthy. It communicates “You are not special, let alone the only one.”

2. They Want To Control You

Triangulation can trigger a person’s jealousy and sense of abandonment, leaving them feeling needy and insecure. When someone is in that state, they become desperate to feel close to the person at the centre of the triangle.

These feelings of insecurity make you reactive and panicky, and so easier to control. You are always on edge, doing everything you can to ensure the person you need does not make the other person more important than you, or drop you altogether.

A mother or father in a narcissistic family can also triangulate to get their way and direct their children how they want. In all such cases, it is about control.

3. It Helps Them Win An Argument

If so-and-so also thinks the same way as the narcissist, then that’s two against one. Often it can be dozens against one, since “everyone” thinks the same way.

4. Fear Of Commitment And Vulnerability

They keep multiple people around to avoid being ‘stuck’ with all their eggs in one basket.

5. Grandiosity

The narcissist can never make someone as special or more special than them. Triangulation keeps others feeling insignificant and tips the power distribution in the narcissist’s favour.

Whatever the reason for narcissistic triangulation, however, one thing remains:

You still have the choice to decide whether it affects you.

Inner Freedom From Narcissistic Triangulation

Overcoming narcissistic triangulation begins within. A spiritual approach to breaking the triangle includes the following:

Orient with your world. Notice the details around you. What objects are there in the room you are in? What can you hear, feel and smell? Orienting with the world around you allows you to shift your focus out of your mind. You stop comparing and analysing, and start being.

From this place of neutral observing, you will notice your current emotional state. Allow those feelings to arise. Sadness, grief, shame, anger. Regardless of what you feel, allow it to come up. Now ask yourself:

Who is noticing these details? Who is feeling these feelings?

In this awareness you will remember your Self. There is no more triangle in your mind. There is simply you and your feeling Self, i.e. Your True Self. And by asking the question of who is feeling and noticing, you introduce your Higher Self into the fold. A new triangle emerges, one that serves you rather than crushing you.

Now bring your focus inside your body. Allow your muscles to relax, breathe deeply into your belly and chest, and then allow the exhale to center you. Keep repeating this over and over until you get a sense of inner anchoring and calm.

Outer freedom From Narcissistic Triangulation

Everyone has the freedom to do what they want. You cannot control them, and you cannot control every outcome. However, freedom is not free. It comes with consequences. A person can find someone ‘more special.’ A significant other can cheat and leave you behind.

Yet if you drop the triangle regardless, at least you are living on your own terms. You are no longer being crippled and controlled by another person’s manipulation or circumstances.

With narcissistic triangulation, you can only choose from two options:

1. Codependency

You control each other, and limit your relationships to each other. You use triangulation to control each other. You lash out whenever you feel insecure or threatened. You panic, feel anxious, and try to snoop around on the other person to feel secure again. You feel terrible about yourself and fight for the acceptance and approval of the other person.

or

2. Freedom

There is another way: You let go, and accept the consequences. Your parent might yap on about how great your sibling or cousin is. Your partner might have feelings for others, or have awkward close encounters before deciding to pull away. They might cheat. You might be left for someone else.

Ultimately, you need to accept that you have no control over that. We all have the freedom to live on our terms, and connect with whoever we want while agreeing to a set of boundaries and rules. Your significant other might slip. You might slip. You have to live with this possibility while trusting and hoping for the best. This is the nature of freedom.

Putting A Stop To Narcissistic Triangulation

Until you have done the inner work, you are always susceptible to triangulation by a narcissist. You will be bashed around by your jealousy and shame. Your sense of security, serenity and agency will be gradually worn down.

When a narcissist triangulates and you have done the work, however, it will cease to impact you. You can speak out firmly when they introduce another person into the relationship dynamic in a hurtful or manipulative way.

From this place of power, you can simply bask in your own serenity and peace. Then, you can look over what is left of the relationship, and simply act, rather than react.

Terminating the relationship is always an option. Either the person is being grossly manipulative, or the situation is simply untenable for you, especially when it comes to exes. In most cases, triangulation is a sign that the other person will never be loyal.

But first ask yourself:

What inner work can you do?

Regardless of whether you are alone or in a romantic relationship, in a narcissistic triangle or out of it, ask yourself: Can I direct my focus within every single day, and grow from that place? Do that, and you will discover the greatest triangle of all: You, your True Self, and your Higher Self. There is no more empowering dynamic that you can develop. And there is no other way to stop narcissistic triangulation.